(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
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I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
The days of good grammer has went
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up