[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
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*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred