[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
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Why aren’t more people talking about this?
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley