I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
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*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)