My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
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I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.