Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
You Might Also Like
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
translated into Canadian
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?