What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
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The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
sleeping beauty
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.