MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
You Might Also Like
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Perfect.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs