*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
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men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
necessity is the mother of invention
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.