Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
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I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
being a writer on Twitter:
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people