[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
You Might Also Like
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills