[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
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My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Succinctly put.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.