Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
You Might Also Like
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now