SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
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My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
I think the cat got the dog high.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.