*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
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I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.