@AmericanGent69: *security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
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@kookiedelukey: Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they'll have a friend to play with Fact: They'll fight. Every hour. Every day.
@CorkyKneivel: If your girlfriend says "my pyramid is late..." Know two things: 1. Your hearing is poor 2. That's not your biggest problem right now
@Schmoodles: I can never remember if it's "laying" or "lying." Anyway, I hit a dude with my car and he's doing one of them in the middle of the road. :(
@TheMichaelRock: News: Don't panic about Ebola, but please watch this nonstop coverage about how it could spread everywhere and kill you. Don't panic though.