*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
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Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Cat is stressing him out.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.