Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
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Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
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