Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
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At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer