*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
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[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent