*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
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me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95