*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
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Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed