*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
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“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
i wish we could shoplift online
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂