*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
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“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
I wish I were this cool 😂
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.