*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
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Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Happy birthday to all the women
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch