*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
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I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..