[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
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I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
The Sun
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.