@thatdutchperson: *seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
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@hipstermermaid: I got 99 problems and they're all friend requests from people I didn't like in high school.
@sabre_squirrel: *saves dandruff for 7 years to throw as confetti at friends wedding that i never really liked*
@MarylandMudflap: Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper "I know it's been you shitting in my yard."
@dumbbeezie: Shopping with friend "Look, triangle-shaped tupperware for your leftover pizza!" Me: "What's leftover pizza?