*seductively winces due to lower back pain
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Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Ladies, why y’all do this?
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
notice
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage