DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
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That was easy.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
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A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.