See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
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If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.