See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
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I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.