“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
You Might Also Like
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited