@CornOnTheGoblin: [travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
@Playing_Dad: [Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
@mydmac: I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of 'hey you' every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
@LukeAdams95: Ask your siblings to close your door and they will start telling u how u treated them 3 months ago
@EndhooS: [1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u'd done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I'm really more of an abstract sandwich artist
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