* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
You Might Also Like
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”