* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
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I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.