“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
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Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Name another movie that mislead you?
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
It’s a gift
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.