“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
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Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.