“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
You Might Also Like
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?