Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
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An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
black phone good
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place