Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
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“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
If you know, you know
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
*pronounces UPS like yoops