[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
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I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Friday
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.