[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
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11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Matt Goss
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.