Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
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A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time