Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
You Might Also Like
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton