Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
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I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
sin harder.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
secret recipe
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.