Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
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THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
How is it still this week?
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
*pronounces fake like saké*
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out