@Just_some_girl2: Seeing twin toddler red haired girls on leashes in Target was my birth control reminder for the day.
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@cepheusjackson: SON: *first word* momma. MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT? ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck* He never comes down our street.
@SteveSuckington: [GOP Debate] MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat? CRUZ: what? MODERATOR: I knew it!
@0point5twins: "Is that your dog?" "No, actually she's adopted... we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves"
@ch000ch: me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man