I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
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The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Every haunted house movie:
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
I can’t stop laughing at this
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home