@Just_some_girl2: Seeing twin toddler red haired girls on leashes in Target was my birth control reminder for the day.
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@LackOfShame: "You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck." - my voicemail message
@birbigs: New slogan for cats: "Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don't want to die? Cats."
@beefman138: Steve : I'm going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra. *Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
@_Water_Baby: Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.