It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
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Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
me hitting on a model
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text