@ScottLinnen: "Seek immediate medical help if you experience a resurrection lasting more than 2000 years."
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@TheToddWilliams: [back from the ultrasound] MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus? ME: Fetus, handus, legus...there was practically a whole baby in there!
@SteveKoehler22: She gets stoked after reading: "Big strapping boxer" on dating site But soon discovers he's a 475 lb. guy working in shipping at Amazon.
@hellohappy_time: heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like "no, there's already lemon on it"