My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
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The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work