Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
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I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Lmao 🤣
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
If poetry is dead, then explain this: